Confessions. Stepping Out. Stepping Up.

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.

I usually don’t like to share personal things on my blog…because they are simply that, personal.

In fact that is why I change blog sites, there were just too many personal things, and I’d changed so much since I started…the thought of cleaning up and hiding posts was just exhausting so I came over here….and I am blogging my life once more! AHHH!!!!

However, I wanted to share this because…maybe someone out there is like me and I want to encourage them. Also, I wanted to make a public marker for myself.

For years…and I mean years I have been overweight. Definitely at an unhealthy weight since I was about 12 so we are talking 16 years of bad weight and bad choices…that I have just let slip.
This summer I was feeling kind of desperate, I knew I was gaining weight, and I wanted to change it…but I didn’t know how. I’ve been stuck in this rut for 12 years…how on earth do I change?

I asked for help…and got little…or the resources that were offered to me just didn’t feel like something I wanted to do. I didn’t want to go to a weight watchers meeting and sit around with people in my condition, portion size, and nitpick at the food I ate and the way I was living. In other words, I wanted a miracle that I knew didn’t exist. I wanted to wake up with a brand new body, and a metabolism that would BURN EVERY STINKING BLOCK OF CHOCOLATE I THREW AT IT…..which let’s be honest wasn’t going to happen.

I knew I was in bad shape when I found new stretch marks…and that…hurt badly. I hadn’t gotten new stretch marks in years, except for two years ago when I coughed so long and so hard for months…that I earned a few around my ribs but these….these were ones that hurt to see. They went from nothing to suddenly a mass of marks that appeared overnight. I wanted to cry.

Despite the encouragement to just GET UP AND CHANGE SOMETHING…I struggled to change anything. I hated exercise. Mostly because I am and was overly self-conscious, the thought of people coming in when I am trying to get fit and making any variety of comments like: “Yay you’re trying,” “You aren’t doing it right.” “How long have you been doing this.” “Good job….” in an accidentally condescending tone…terrified me, because I hated the thought of failing myself, and disappointing people or hearing the words “She failed again,” which I have heard whispered and murmured before.

I’ll be honest…it’s only recently that I’ve started to figure out that I am more of a perfectionist than I knew….that and I ate a constant steady diet of lies about myself that other people told me:
“Anyone can see you are beautiful,”
“You are so perfect.”
“Man, you’re gorgeous.”
“You aren’t fat, you’re just big boned.”
“Everyone has a little bit of chub.”
“It’s your inside that counts.”
“Oh, my goodness you look so young!”
“You’re fine with your body image right?”
“You don’t need to change a thing.”

But those aren’t the only lies I believed…
The ones I told myself were:
If I became skinny I would become a narcissistic, green tea frappe, whinny, calorie counting, boy blabbing, selfish-selfie-happy-maniac menace to society.
And even further down I was afraid that if my body changed…people would stop seeing me for me, that I would lose everything I have fought to become, every inch of ground that I have gained to be me would be lost…and that I could open up myself to become very very hurt…again.

These things, words, fears, lies have held me back.

But, I am trying to overcome them.

About a month ago I received the challenge to walk every day…and instead of raising my hand and committing myself to someone else to doing it. I raised my hand inwardly and pledged to myself that I would try…because I am afraid of failure, afraid of falling short and making a miserable public humiliation of myself.

I’ve been walking nearly every day since then…not quite every day and some days I only get in less than half a mile, but I am making progress. My goal is 5,000 steps a day. I read somewhere that is a healthy amount of steps for people sooooooooo I am giving it a go. I don’t make it every day but you know…a few steps a time I am getting there.

I also have some fabulous friends who are being very supportive and giving me creative challenges to get fit and keep myself moving forward in making healthy choices.

I know I need to work on my diet…
Stress eating and BORED eating are two of my worst habits…but I want to get better at just being healthy.

The main reason I think I am writing this up right now, is that tonight I went shopping with my Asian friend…who is like a size -4 and I found the CUTEST shirt and bought it for a friend and I asked the owner if she had another because I know of another friend who would love to have one too…
The owner was very blunt in saying the shirt wouldn’t fit me….and I explained they would be for friends who were smaller than me. She was sweet enough to go around the back and look…I had found the last one she had.

Her words, stung, and when I got home I looked at the mirror and saw all of the flaws I know she saw…and I ate half a snickers bar…because emotional eating is something I do well.
I was discouraged and looking in the mirror I realized that I am still miles from who I want to be.

Then I realized that wasn’t going to help me and pushed myself to exercise for half an hour.

I need to push myself more. I’ve been managing closer to 7,000 steps almost every day…and in the past 30 days, I’ve walked 105 miles….but I still need to do more.

This is just the beginning, and I hope to get further to my goals…to push myself further, to step out of my fears and lies I’ve believed, and step up to who I can be inside…and out.

Pushing For More,
Jessica Greyson