Working Out

I have hated working out…since….my first workout. The peppy perfect workout girls who never got tired and said annoying things made me never want to work out. Also, I never felt very different after workouts, just tired…so I gave up.

I decided to live my life the way I wanted…which resulted in a “happy” me. I had never been comfortable with my image, and I became even more so, but I didn’t know how to stop it, the things I had tried before still didn’t appeal to me, and it seemed like I was lost in a vicious cycle that was rapidly getting out of control.

Hitting a breaking point, I realized that things needed to stop. I didn’t want jiggling hips, fat legs, sausage fingers with pattie hands, a jelly bean shaped belly that jiggled like jello, and I wanted to stop wearing the size 3x’s and hiding in hoodies just to feel comfortable with who I was.

I hadn’t seen myself in a full-length mirror except in stores that were just something I tried to ignore, however moving into my room in Hualien I was happy to see a full-length mirror in my room…until I saw myself in it…this wasn’t a store mirror that I could walk away from this was one that I saw every day and I realized I didn’t want to remain the woman I was…so how to change?

I puzzled over it, I knew working out would be an essential change, but how much and what workouts should I do?

Browsing the internet, watched youtube videos, chatted with friends and formulated a plan.
Starting out with a simple workout on a sheet of paper that my friend sent me. 15 moves for 1 minute each. A 15-minute workout sounded perfect…and then I found it was grueling, but worth it, I struggled to complete it, and yet every day I noticed that I improved a little bit, I could hold it a bit longer, I could fit more into that tiny little minute. Things felt positive, and I saw my body making little changes.

From there I realized I needed even more of a challenge….so I started doing youtube workouts…I tried several different ones until I found an instructor that I love and adore and I feel is giving me the results I want without being an unrealistic Barbie doll.

I am still far from what I could be, but for the first time in my life I am seeing results and keeping them. I am still allowing myself junk food, chocolate binges, and chips….but I also realize at what cost and am willing to work them off. It has taken a while to learn what losing weight and being happy means to me….

I haven’t stepped on a scale in a long time, I know it would be good, however, it’s a number I am still not ready to face and I’ve gotten so discouraged from it before, steering completely clear of the three little numbers on a digital screen that I have allowed to define and label me. But I am keeping myself accountable with my mirror and friends who are encouraging even on the days I want to give up or not workout. They push me, and I am learning to push myself, now some days don’t feel complete unless I work out…and I am working out more than I ever have before. It’s not a chore, but I do it on my own terms and have my own reward system that pushes me forward.
If I want to watch a movie or drama I have to work out first….it’s pretty compelling.

The rewards of being able to go shopping in Taiwanese stores and pull items off the shelf….of course, they are all large and oversized, etc. because an L here is like an M in the states…but I am doing stuff that I wasn’t able to do a few months ago, people treat me differently, I knew being fat was hard…but I didn’t know how hard it was until I started to lose the weight and the world really does treat you differently.

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