Growing Up.

I’ll be honest. I haven’t written because I don’t know what to write.
In writing, there is healing, direction, but mostly right now. There is nothing to heal from, all directions point in several directions.

I’ll be honest, I feel lost.

I am lost.

I have passions, hobbies, loves…things that I live and breathe for. Things…that are closed doors and dead ends. Leaving me puzzled and more lost than before. Sometimes I feel as if I must put a knife in the heart of my dreams in order to move forward, and yet when I turn away from it, I feel dead inside…and lost and so I turn back so I can breathe and smile again and feel just as lost as before–but with purpose…that goes nowhere.

I feel like a leech on society. Full of potential, but only sucking up the energies of others.
I am on the merry-go-round, and I am not sure if I am ever going to get off, or if I’ll just fly off once I can’t hold on anymore.
Somedays things are so clear, other days are clouded with fog, and I feel as if I am searching for something still, and I realize that this is human life.
It is what we make it.
It is what I choose to make it, sometimes I cloud it too deeply with other people’s opinions, some days I take things too personally. Other days and times, I frankly don’t care what other people think or say–and it’s freeing and terrifying. Freeing because I don’t have to care, terrifying because I have suddenly lost sight of them and become a worse version of myself.
I want to be in the shouting throng that stands for something, I want to be quietly at home without wondering what this merry-go-round world is doing….I want…I want…so much, it seems like too much.
This has been partly brought up by…the fact that I interviewed for a full-time job. I’ll be honest, I am not quite sure of my intentions for interviewing. A false sense of security, money, the feeling I was going somewhere…simply because I don’t know where I am going?
The older I grower, the rarer I feel. Strange-unique-different. Set aside, and sometimes on the shelf. Waiting. Waiting for what….is what I keep asking myself.

One thought on “Growing Up.

  1. Oh Jessica, this makes my heart so full of thoughts and feelings!! Growing up is so hard to do … if you're not one of those people who realized when they were 7 years old that they wanted to be a doctor and go to Columbia University, or one of those people who has a near-death experience that shows them clearly what they're supposed to do with their lives – in other words, if you're like most of us, especially me – then it feels like something is wrong with you if you don't have that compass-clear direction. And we know instinctively that the things we love and are good at are somehow linked to what we want to do; but when our passions are opposite to what the business world values – when we love writing, and music, and art, and the things that almost no one will pay for – we are forced to think creatively and find unexpected ways to follow our dreams while still making our way in the world.

    Jessica, don't give up on your writing. Some people write because they think it's "cool" or interesting – but some people write because they must, because the words burn inside them. I know you are one of those people. Please don't stifle that fire that burns in your heart. Even if your trajectory as a writer doesn't turn out the way you think it will – and it still might – God gave you that burden for a reason – you may use it as a reporter, or in ministry, or in some place or situation you can't dream of right now. And remember that our lives move in seasons – you may not have one great destination, as most of us don't; you may have waypoints and phases along the way. If something isn't fitting or working now, it may fit better tomorrow or next month or next year.

    I read an amazing essay this week that I think might help you – please read it and remember that the God of truth and order is with you as you look for answers. I will be praying for you!!

    I'm sorry for the tome of a reply but I pray that God would use some drop of it to soothe your weary heart. Hang in there, dear friend!! You are so special and unique and beautiful and loved!

    Hugs and prayers,

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