I’ll be honest. I haven’t written because I don’t know what to write.
In writing, there is healing, direction, but mostly right now. There is nothing to heal from, all directions point in several directions.
I’ll be honest, I feel lost.
I am lost.
I have passions, hobbies, loves…things that I live and breathe for. Things…that are closed doors and dead ends. Leaving me puzzled and more lost than before. Sometimes I feel as if I must put a knife in the heart of my dreams in order to move forward, and yet when I turn away from it, I feel dead inside…and lost and so I turn back so I can breathe and smile again and feel just as lost as before–but with purpose…that goes nowhere.
I feel like a leech on society. Full of potential, but only sucking up the energies of others.
I am on the merry-go-round, and I am not sure if I am ever going to get off, or if I’ll just fly off once I can’t hold on anymore.
Somedays things are so clear, other days are clouded with fog, and I feel as if I am searching for something still, and I realize that this is human life.
It is what we make it.
It is what I choose to make it, sometimes I cloud it too deeply with other people’s opinions, some days I take things too personally. Other days and times, I frankly don’t care what other people think or say–and it’s freeing and terrifying. Freeing because I don’t have to care, terrifying because I have suddenly lost sight of them and become a worse version of myself.
I want to be in the shouting throng that stands for something, I want to be quietly at home without wondering what this merry-go-round world is doing….I want…I want…so much, it seems like too much.
This has been partly brought up by…the fact that I interviewed for a full-time job. I’ll be honest, I am not quite sure of my intentions for interviewing. A false sense of security, money, the feeling I was going somewhere…simply because I don’t know where I am going?
The older I grower, the rarer I feel. Strange-unique-different. Set aside, and sometimes on the shelf. Waiting. Waiting for what….is what I keep asking myself.